I stood 5ft 9inches,
And dark brown hair,
It’s a bright summer day,
Not a cloud in the sky.
It started to rain,
Like I was in a shower,
I had a weird feeling,
And it was not good.
Pain was etched all over my face,
I felt so disgraced,
Blood trickled down my leg,
As it was still trapped under the car.
When I saw the car speeding around the corner,
I new I was in trouble,
From nowhere it flipped,
It did five somersaults in the air,
As I was paralized with fear,
I stared to feel the tears.
I new it wouldn’t be long,
Before I met my end,
The screaming pain in my leg,
I wish it would end.
I could see the bone in my leg,
I knew I had hurt my head,
But was I seeing things,
Some more disturbing than others.
As I turned away,
I heard the fire brigade,
And I new I would live to die another day.
February 25, 2013 at 3:14 pm
Nice, but some spelling mistakes when I first read it.
Liking the last line quote.
February 25, 2013 at 3:17 pm
Edited
February 25, 2013 at 3:21 pm
Excellent that you are giving each other feedback on your work! Ben – I would like to see you build some of the setting – it would be great to get an idea of who ‘I’ is and where this takes place.
February 25, 2013 at 3:55 pm
I think the added stanzas distract from the poetic language in the rest of your work. You don’t have to be specific about detail e.g. his appearance, you could build an idea of him by describing a feeling he has about something or a reflection about a loved one. Equally you could build in setting by describing whether there are tall city buildings around this road or if in his fear he sweats (which would demonstrate he is somewhere hot) or shivers (somewhere cold).